


IPRE Mission One: Applicant Interviews

by NightStreaktheBold



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Gen, Pre-Series, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, TAZ Balance, The IPRE - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25631818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightStreaktheBold/pseuds/NightStreaktheBold
Summary: Finalized transcriptions of the Applicant Interviews of the assembled crew members of the Institute for Planar Research’s “Mission One” expedition, under the expressed mission statement of discovering what lies beyond the confines of our prime interplanar system. Provided by the IPRE Board of Directors to their Executive Oversight Panel within the Legislative Council as part of the release of all pertinent pre-mission materials prior to the departure of the Bond Engine Recipient Vessel 001 (colloquial designation, the “Starblaster”). All materials contained herein are protected and classified as Confidential under the official Planar Research Secrecy Act [HR 177-19B]. Unlawful distribution of these contents will result in prosecution.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Lucretia & Lup & Taako
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





	1. Applicant 001—Barry Bluejeans

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS for Episode 60 and beyond!  
> I love the Adventure Zone more than pretty much any other piece of media I have EVER consumed, and it's such a joy to play in the McElroy's sandbox. All of the characters, places, and references contained here belong to the McElroy Brothers and their father Clint, and are a true joy in my life.

_All Editor’s Notes shall be signified by the use of Bolding, and will describe relevant in-room conditions. Captain Davenport’s comments are marked by a “CD,” Applicant Barry Bluejeans marked by a “BB.” All materials contained herein are protected and classified as Confidential under the official Planar Research Secrecy Act [HR 177-19B]. Unlawful distribution of these contents will result in prosecution._

CD: Okay, so you’re just going to take notes on what we’re saying? Alright, please let me know if you need anything repeated. **(He shuffles his notes, and looks up at the sound of a soft tap on his office door)** Please come in, Barry!

**(BB enters and heads directly towards one of the chairs opposite CD’s desk, plopping down inelegantly and greeting him with a broad smile.)**

BB: Hello Dav, how’s the day?

CD: Oh it’s plenty good, Barry, but let’s skip the usual pleasantries if you don’t mind, I don’t want to keep you from your research—your team just began looking into the intricacies of the spell Plane Shift, correct?

BB: Oh yeah, that’s absolutely right, Davenport, we’re studying its effects if performed in various sets of controlled conditions, I actually can show you the matrix of controls and variables we’re using if you like, I have it right here—

CD: **(CD interjects)** —Thank you Barry, but I’m not sure that’s the best use of our time here today. Perhaps over lunch tomorrow?

BB: Sure, sure, as long as you have time—

CD: Yes, not a worry. But really, we do need to get started, I know you have to present this afternoon to the Board and I don’t want to eat into your prep time if we run over. I know this is more of a formality than you necessarily appreciate, but the Boards of Directors for the IPRE as well as our Executive Oversight Panel will require a description of our selection process that goes into detail on each candidate we consider.

BB: **(laughs quietly, folding his hands over his stomach)** Well if the guy who designed the Bond Engine isn’t a shoe in, I’d hate to think of what the actual applicants are going to have to go through. You’re recruiting within the IPRE only, correct?

CD: Oh yes, we certainly wouldn’t want to have to supplement their background knowledge of the planar system or their understanding of the very nature of bonds and their impact on the fabric of reality. Not to mention their ability to comprehend complex arcane theory, particularly advanced magical spellcasting and artistry since we have no idea what we may encounter out there.

BB: Wait, I’m sorry, are you only allowing for spellcasters? **(He frowns slightly and looks uncomfortable)** There are some extremely talented researchers in my department alone who don’t have a bit of magic but can explain it far better than just about anyone. I was actually thinking of recommending my former research assistant, Taraji, for the expedition, her doctorate was completely focused on Bond Theory. **(He gestures expansively at CD)** I mean you yourself barely care to use magic in favor of more practical means.

CD: You are absolutely correct, Barry, and I’m not saying we’ll only have traditional casters on our…crew, but the Board wants to assemble our team as internally as possible to retain a universal knowledge base. We _need_ **(with significant emphasis)** our best and brightest for this to work, and not to deafen ourselves by sounding the GND in the hanger, but the IPRE truly represents the foremost scholars on this plane of existence. **(He sighs and rubs his brow like he’s trying to lessen a headache)** Look, we’re studying some incredibly, impressively complex theories of the very shape of reality. I obviously do not need to explain this to you, you understand all of this far more than I ever will. Work still needs to be conducted on our initiative design, on the Bond Engine and the vessel it’ll power, and so on and so forth, so we’ll refine our needs for the team as we solidify them. You, Barry, don’t really need to worry about the nitty gritty of positions like Security Officer. What you do need to do is continue your line of inquiry, to chat with me about your research over lunch tomorrow, and to fill out some nominal applications needed for your file for the official record in order to register your status change **(He smiles lightly)**. Just to confirm, you have signed all of the risk-related paperwork that will be necessary for this style of expedition, right?

BB: Oh yeah, I’m up to date on all this stuff, you know how much I want this. The whole time I was designing the Engine, I was dreaming of all the places it could take me. Do you need me to answer any official applicant-style questions, or have my credentials been found sufficient for the Board and this position? **(He chuckles at his own joke)**

CD: Oh, well **(he coughs discretely into his fist in mild embarrassment)** the interviews are more to get a feel for the personalities of our future applicants, I believe that our applications are designed to be extremely thorough. I can’t lie to you, Barry, it takes a very particular person to be willing to sign up for a potentially fatal expedition.

BB: **(Smiling brightly)** Not to mention the very real possibility that even if we do survive, we could be permanently stranded in the space between planes, or on a plane aside from our Prime Material Plane.

CD: It could certainly be a one-way flight to the Astral Plane **(he laughs quietly)**. But really, Barry, we very well could be signing up for a very painful demise, with not even bodies for people to bury. Does that not worry you, even a small amount?

BB: **(He allows a long, drawn-out sigh to escape)** Look, Dav, you know that I don’t exactly have a big, happy family that will miss me when I leave. I know how conscientious you’re going to be about only hiring people who aren’t being relied on by somebody. The fact of the matter is, I fit that bill. I’ve got friends, coworkers, who care about me, but no deep connections, no empty, missing space that I should be filling in someone’s life. I’m willing to do this for myself, because I want to see what’s beyond our current understanding of reality, and because I’m the right kind of person who can afford such a selfish decision. **(He leans forward and scrubs his left palm into his eyes)** In my mind, the risk of being completely unmade, boiled alive in cosmic plasma as my very atoms are torn apart at the edge of our entire world is so _so_ worth the rewards we may discover, our potential to finally understand how the planes are connected and the very movement of the universe. So to answer your question, Dav, of course it worries me, but weighing all of these factors as objectively as I possibly can, this chance is one that I have to take the fullest advantage of.

**(A long pause, almost 18 seconds)**

CD: Well I certainly can’t argue with that. My own reasoning for volunteering to lead this expedition is somewhat less about the spirit of scientific discovery and rather more about a selfish desire to pilot the next great frontier, to fly the first ship to the edge of the universe. **(He folds his hands carefully on top of his desk)** Obviously we’re going to need some time to finish our preparations for this exploration, and I’m certain that once all of the requisite forms are complete you will be swept in the designs for the installation of the Bond Engine.

BB: Oh believe me, I’m well aware **(they both laugh)** , as I’m sure you’ll be tapped for designing the ship itself. Is it going to look like a rocket of a more traditional variety, or will you be adapting the Bond Engine to allow for a more innovative design blueprint?

CD: Oh I think you’ll be surprised when you see what we’ve been developing, she’s quite the thing of beauty. Our models need improvement of course, but it’s enough to understand the possibilities of our design, to start drafting how we want to develop the living quarters, the labs, the actual spaces of the vessel. Perhaps we can give you a sneak peek over lunch tomorrow?

BB: I would really appreciate that, Davenport, I cannot wait to see how it’s coming along! Please feel free to send over the paperwork whenever you get the chance, I’ll get on it right away. **(He brushes off the legs of his denim pants, as though getting ready to stand)** Was there anything else you wanted to discuss, for the official record?

CD: No, no that should be plenty for the Board and the Executive Oversight Panel, all this rigamarole was mostly just to officially confirm that you still wanted to do this. They both are obviously up-to-date on your suitability for the initiative, both your accomplishments as the head of the Bond Studies Department as well as your insights into the Light of Creation. I’m certain that there will not be any delay in your addition to the expedition. Now, unless you have any other questions aside from those that ought to be addressed after you’re signed on under the privacy agreements that the Board will insist on, can we plan for meeting at our usual bench spot during the lunch hour tomorrow?

BB: Yes, that absolutely should be fine, I’m meeting with Cassandra to discuss her updates on randomly generating temporary bonds in the laboratory setting at 10:00, but will certainly be able to break for lunch!

CD: Excellent, I will see you then. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on whether Cassandra is ever going to summon the courage to ask Elaine from Employee Resources out the way she's been hinting for months, I could use the inside info for the betting pool. **(They laugh together)**

**(They both stand, and CD walks BB to the door, where they speak quietly in low voices about something unintelligible before BB laughs and leaves, CD reaching to close the door behind him.)**

_This concludes Transcript 001: Barry Bluejeans, Head Science Officer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters will be posted on a weekly basis, each Friday until complete! Everything is written, so there should be no delays on posting. Total estimated word count ~12,000 (Each chapter will be longer than the one before).


	2. Applicant 009—Merle Hitower Highchurch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Episode 60 and beyond!  
> I love the Adventure Zone more than pretty much any other piece of media I have EVER consumed, and it's such a joy to play in the McElroy's sandbox. All of the characters, places, and references contained here belong to the McElroy Brothers and their father Clint, and are a true joy in my life.

_All Editor’s Notes shall be signified by the use of Bolding, and will describe relevant in-room conditions. Captain Davenport’s comments are marked by a “CD,” Applicant Merle Highchurch marked by a “MH.” All materials contained herein are protected and classified as Confidential under the official Planar Research Secrecy Act [HR 177-19B]. Unlawful distribution of these contents will result in prosecution._

CD: Okay, you have the list of “Acceptably Professional Applicant Questions” that the Board provided, correct? **(Upon confirmation, he smiles and walks over to his desk to take his seat, pulling out IPRE personnel files and a handful of forms or documents)** Alright, three applicants today, all for the position of Medical Officer, two internal from the IPRE and one an outside member of the Purple Skyline Hospital in the capital. First up is one of our EMS on-site staff **—(the door to his office flies open, smashing into the wall with an echoing SLAM. CD does not jump or flinch, instead glancing up from his day planner and continuing placidly with his eyebrow raised)** —who I am presuming just walked in. Dr. Highchurch, I’m guessing?

**(The backside of a pair of cargo shorts enters the room prior to the rest of him, slowly turning to reveal a stocky, strong-looking dwarf in a lurid Hawaiian shirt, his beard intricately braided with a variety of wildflowers woven throughout. He is carrying a large terracotta pot containing an ornamental shrubbery [EN: Later questioning revealed it was a ZZ plant (also known as Zamioculus zamifolia) of a particularly large variety, so much so that it is difficult for the dwarf to manage])**

MH: Yeah, I’m Merle. Are you the jackass responsible for torturing this beauty?

CD: **(He blinks several times in quick succession, his mouth slightly open)** Umm, if you’re asking who owns that plant, then yes, that would be me? You are the Dr. Highchurch who applied for the Medic position on the Mission One expedition, correct?

MH: Yeah, I applied to be the physician, but now I’m not so sure I’m willing to put my life in the hands of a guy who murders plants in such a drawn out, agonizing way!

CD: Excuse me, but I am not _torturing_ my plants. I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but if you are planning on lecturing me about this, I would appreciate it if you did not do so in such a hostile manner!

**(The two glare at one another for a moment, before MH begins to chuckle and CD visibly relaxes.)**

MH: Yeah, alright, I probably didn’t need to come in here guns blazing. This poor lady is just screaming about the mold in her root bulb and the lack of nutrients in her soil. **(He carefully sets the pot down halfway in the shade in a partial patch of sunlight, sighing as he straightens up and brushing off his hands on his shorts. He then takes one of the seats across from CD)**

CD: **(Regarding MH with his hands folded in front of his face)** …so, how do I fix it?

MH: **(Giving CD an assessing look as to whether he is serious)** Well for one thing, you should change pots to one with a drain hole in the bottom, it’ll help dry out the soil between waterings and make it harder for the mold to sneak its tendrils back into the roots of this lovely creature. While you’re at it, you should add some plant food to your potting mix, I don’t even wanna guess when she last got to sink herself into that _good_ stuff. **(He runs a finger over one of the leaves)** I can send you some recommendations, care instructions, that kinda thing if ya like.

CD: Oooooookay yes, I would appreciate your…expertise on this matter. I was under the impression that plant was perfectly healthy. Tell me, Dr. Highchurch, is botany a pet hobby of yours?

MH: Oh. **(He leans back, looking surprised)** No, I thought you…oh I see. I may have…misinterpreted some questions on the application forms.

CD: Sorry, what?

MH: I’m not a medical doctor. I have a doctorate. In Biology, mostly focused on Botany and Forestry? I work in EMS because I’m a Cleric, follower of Pan, so…

CD: Oh I see. **(He leans back as well, folding his hands over the personnel file on his desk)** So just to clarify, you are both a Cleric AND a trained biologist? Both of which are dedicated to your following of the Nature god, Pan?

MH: Well yeah. Pan is good, and he’s guided me the better part of my life. I’ve been working here oh about four years now, mostly just minor heals from lab accidents. There’s this one guy in the Bond Studies Department named Bluejeans, man he calls me in to fix something at least once a week **(He laughs happily, a full body sound)**.

CD: So, why the choice to apply for this mission? It sounds like you’re quite happy here in this position.

MH: Oh well of course! This place has been plenty good to me, the IPRE is a fun environment to work in and I like the people here. But I saw all of the info on this mission, and Pan gave me the wink and nudge, so I applied. **(He rubs his palms over his knees)** I go where my god tells me. And if he felt like this is where my life should be headed, who am I to say different?

CD: I’m sorry, you’re saying your god specifically told you to do something?

MH: Uhhhh, ya? **(CD leans back in his chair with a look of mild surprise)** Okay, I know that’s kinda hard to prove, but I’ll ‘Zone of Truth’ prove to you I ain’t lying right now—

CD: No, no, I believe you. It’s just, well, most clerics don’t have such personal relationships with their gods. That’s…quite rare to my understanding.

MH: Huh. I mean, Pan and I are pretty tight I guess **(he pops the “p” significantly)**. It’s not some demand from him to force you to pick me, you know. He doesn’t work like that, it’s more like…he shows me paths that I can walk down, different trails to finding joy because he cares about me. There’s beauty to stagnation you know, moss growing on a cool boulder, the roots of the largest oak trees crossing over the forest floor. But I’m not really like that, I’m more…sand on a beach, dandelion seeds on the breeze. Pan, he gets that there is more than one way to live your life, that his followers honor his ways in their own context. If he’s giving me the tap, it’s because he knows that pretty soon I’m going to be getting the ol’ itchy feet and ready to move on to the next hop, skip, jump. **(He scratches his arm)** I dunno, this expedition feels like a pretty perfect way for me to do that.

CD: And the possibility of getting to evangelize potential new worlds?

MH: **(Laughing hugely, hands on his stomach)** Well I’m sure that’s one perk for him. But really, we’re not like that. We preach his Good News, sure, but we never push folks to abandon their own gods. Mother Nature spreads his message far better than we ever could. Nah, this is a lot more for me than for him.

CD: Well I have to say, that’s an incredibly strong reference to have in your application. **(He steeples his fingers carefully)** And it certainly sounds as if you’ve given this a good deal of thought. But tell me, Dr. Highchurch, have you not been conflicted over the significant risks involved with this type of expedition? The Board recommended that I phrase this more delicately, but the fact of the matter is, we may not survive this mission, the effects of exiting our planar system. Does that not concern you, even some small amount?

MH: **(He frowns, an expression that almost seems unfamiliar to his face)** I mean, sure. Dying horribly sounds…pretty horrible. But Pannites don’t really do the whole “fear of our own mortality” thing **(he uses his fingers for air quotes)**. Nature is all about rebirth, the transition of the body back into the environment to be food for other living things. Me, I always wanted to be buried with my pockets full of acorns and wildflower seeds, let my body get turned into a little of Pan’s beauty. Drifting around in the cold void of space like Fantasy George Clooney in Gravity or Fantasy Tim Robbins in Mission to Mars…man okay, I just came up with like five other space movies with that exact way of killing their astronaut characters, Fantasy Hollywood needs a major shot of creativity. Anyway, my point is, that isn’t exactly how I wanted to handle my own death. But well, when you’re dead, you’re dead. It’s not like I’m going to be fussing about what happens to my body once I’m through with it. So, to answer your question in a somewhat roundabout kinda way, I really don’t…well this is going to sound bad, but I really just don’t care too much. **(He rubs his hand over the back of his neck)** As shitty as it may sound, that just ain’t my problem anymore. **(He shrugs loosely)** So yeah. Dying like that, sure it’ll hurt in the moment, but then it won’t.

CD: I can understand that sentiment, I myself have made more than one similar assertion about the worthiness of certain…actions where death becomes a likely outcome. Believe it or not, I was not always involved in this type of bureaucratic monitoring of neurotic scientists, I used to be able to fly… **(He stares out the window pensively at the brilliant purple skies, before seeming to catch himself, turning back to the room with his cheeks suddenly flushing. He coughs into his fist in apparent embarrassment)** Well I’m not sure I needed to share that frustration with you, that was quite unprofessional, I apologize. **(He smiles carefully without any mirth in his eyes)**

MH: **(Waving his hand easily)** Don’t worry about it, I’m used to people being more honest than they expect. I cast ‘Zone of Truth’ so much that it’s practically my signature, pretty sure it leaves a lasting residue at this point. Don’t worry bud, I’m a medic and a Cleric, pretty sure you’re covered on the “Confidentiality” front. **(He sighs and stretches his arms above his head, linking them behind his neck)** Not to butt into your business, but it sounds to me like you need to scratch that itchy foot as much as I do. And it sounds like this expedition is going to be just as much about that “Next Frontier” for you as the pursuit of the next great scientific advancement, the contributions to our understanding of the universe that the nerds around here are foaming at the mouth about getting the chance to sign their names to. People like Bluejeans are doing this because of the pure, _real_ joy of discovery, because they care about their science and the knowledge they can find by doing this, not the renown. Kinda sounds to me like you’ve got the same sorta mind, even if your desire for discovery is a bit more personal. **(He scratches his arm again, with closer inspection revealing a rash that appears to be from a handful of insect bites)** Sorry, I shoved my arm down the throat of a gorgeous sample of Elephant’s Trunk Lilies last week, trying to clear our an infestation of Toyogi Biting Slugs. Nasty little shits, never one of my favorites of Pan’s creation…Ah hell, I forgot the point I was trying to make. The long and short of it is pretty much, if you really are the Captain here, I sure hope that you’re going to be able to assemble the kind of crew you want, the kind of people who care about this sort of thing for its own value. **(He smiles easily at CD)** Don’t let those jagoffs on the Board force you to choose someone you don’t trust to do this kinda stunt for the right reasons. Now, unless you’ve got more questions for me that ain’t covered by all the damn forms they made me fill out, I unfortunately outta go. I probably gotta lance these, I think they’re starting to fill up with venom-related puss AGAIN. Anyways, let me know if you’d like me to fill out any more friggin’ paperwork or answer more questions.

CD: Oh this should be plenty to dot the I’s and T’s for the Board. **(He pauses, seeming to give MH a once over)** You’re an interesting character, Dr. Highchurch. Definitely one of the more exciting physicians I have had the pleasure of meeting **(he chuckles at this, with MH joining in)**. Yes, I think this should certainly cover all of the questions I need, or the Board will need. I’d ask if you have any questions for me about the expedition or the next stage of the process, but well I’d hate to keep you from your…well that **(he gestures to the affected arm)**.

MH: Well I certainly appreciate that **(he chuckles)**. Maybe later, once I’m not dealing with this little problem, we could talk more? All EMS staff gets free tea at the café on campus **(he winks, quite badly, and CD begins to flush along his ears and neck)**. Only if that works with your obviously incredibly packed schedule, oh bureaucrat on high **(CD turns more flushed)**.

CD: I umm, well that actually—maybe after this week? I have so many interviews, I suppose it’d be nice just to have a casual chat with a new…acquaintance.

MH: A new friend. **(He stands, CD following suit)** Look, don’t worry if I’m not the guy ya go with, I’m sure you’ve got good people reachin’ out about this trip. I still have a feeling I’d enjoy getting to know ya better **(he smiles)**. Who knows, maybe that’s the real reason Pan gave me the ol’ tap about this whole thing. **(The two shake hands)** It was real nice meeting you, Cap. Let me know if you wanna get that tea next week.

**(MH heads for the door, smiling back at CD before leaving. CD continues to stand and watch the door for several moments afterward.)**

_This concludes Transcript 009: Merle Hitower Highchurch, Resident Medic and Biologist._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint McElroy will forever have a special place in my heart for dreaming up this hilarious, mildly incompetent, and inspiringly joy-fueled dwarf, and trying to embody the amazingness that is Merle Highchurch was such a delight.


	3. Applicants 023&024—Lup Taaco and Taako Taaco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Episode 60 and beyond!  
> I love the Adventure Zone more than pretty much any other piece of media I have EVER consumed, and it's such a joy to play in the McElroy's sandbox. All of the characters, places, and references contained here belong to the McElroy Brothers and their father Clint, and are a true joy in my life.

_All Editor’s Notes shall be signified by the use of Bolding, and will describe relevant in-room conditions. Captain Davenport’s comments are marked by a “CD,” Applicant Lup Taaco marked by a “LT,” and the early-arrival Applicant Taako Taaco marked by a “TT.” All materials contained herein are protected and classified as Confidential under the official Planar Research Secrecy Act [HR 177-19B]. Unlawful distribution of these contents will result in prosecution._

CD: Okay, this next one is going to be pretty…interesting. Ms. Lup, and her twin brother who will be meeting with me right after, have notations in their applicant files from the Board. **(He sighs, rubbing his brow with his left hand)** They’re well known around the Institute for having shall we say, big personalities and a history of more than a few altercations with their fellow academy students and professors during their time as students. **(At a much lower volume, likely only meant for himself to hear)** Not that that matters, or in any way should be included in their records here, since they are _completely_ separate entities and school disciplinary records are irrelevant to professional life. **(At normal volume)** Well anyway, they’re both quite exciting characters, and as much of a headache as the rest of this afternoon will be dealing with the Board’s interference, their applications merited an interview based on their frankly excellent qualifications. **(He pauses for a moment)** I sound like I’m trying to convince myself, too **(he chuckles)**. Well at any rate, they’ll certainly be our most entertaining interviewees today.

**(He returns to his paperwork for a moment before a sound like a chime echoes throughout the room, followed by a cool, neutral, and featureless voice)**

Voice: Lup Taaco has arrived to see Captain Davenport about her and her brother’s applications to join the upcoming expedition.

CD: **(smiling easily)** See what I mean? **(more loudly)** Please come in, Lup!

**(The door opens, revealing two elves with identical faces and vastly different hairstyles, both dressed in fashionable, bright clothing, with the lady striding forward and reaching out a hand to shake, her brother closely following suit)**

LT: Captain Davenport, a pleasure to see you again—

TT: —it’s been quite some time since we attended one of your guest lectures.

CD: **(While shaking their hands)** Lup, Taako, thank you both for taking the time to speak with me. That was a neat little bit of spellwork, was that a variant of the cantrip ‘Ghost Sound’?

TT: Yeah, Cap, I adjusted the charm with a little bit of the Taako special **(he grins charmingly and drops into one of the chairs opposite CD’s desk in a jumble of limbs)**

LT: **(Clearing her throat)** Look, Captain, I know that you scheduled us to meet separately, but we have a…proposal for you, and thought it would be best if we were both present.

CD: **(Raising an eyebrow)** Well that’s certainly unorthodox, but I’m aware that you both have a reputation for that kind of thing. Why don’t you have a seat, Lup? **(He pauses while she plops into the open chair)** Is it alright if I call you both Lup and Taako? Your applications didn’t list a last name, nor do your work histories or school records.

TT: Oh. **(he glances at his sister, who looks back)** No, uhh, elven names don’t really work like that? Typically, we change our names after we “declare our adulthood to the community” **(he does the air quotes)** , and take on our family names then.

LT: Only, Taako and I weren’t part of any community when we reached adulthood, so we never bothered changing our old names, and it’s not like the Elven Council has ever bothered creating any official documentation to make it so independent folks can formally take on our family name. Elves have needed to get with the times, gotta stop being so secretive and just set up our own version of government bureaucracy.

TT: **(Snorts in apparent disbelief)** And knowing elves, no one is ever gunna volunteer for _that_ position. Our race ain’t exactly known for our willingness to serve the public good.

LT: **(Nudging her twin gently with her elbow)** What my brother is trying to convey is that even though it has never been given the official seal of approval, our family name is Taaco.

CD: **(He looks surprised, blinking and looking between the two)** …I’m sorry, is this another of your goofs? You’re not actually expecting me to believe that your name is Taako Taaco.

**(TT beams at him, obviously full of pride. LT sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose)**

LT: Unfortunately, that is not one of his jokes. Please feel free to add it to the IPRE’s records, might be nice to have it officially in writing somewhere.

CD: Well…I certainly appreciate your candor about this. Now, you did mention something about a proposal?

TT: Oh yeah, time to talk shop! You see, Captain, Lulu and I are a package deal, so we figured that this lil’ chat should include the whole package **(He winks, in a way that is likely meant to be both suggestive and charming)**.

LT: Okay, ‘Ko, just going to completely break from the script, huh? Look, Captain Davenport, we know that there are certain members of the Board who aren’t our biggest fans **(“Through no fault of ours” TT mutters)** because of certain past elements from our time at the academy. We really do appreciate your willingness to invite us to interview anyways, and we think that that shows you are more interested in our qualifications rather than some petty political bullcrap **(she’s perched on the edge of her seat, gesturing with her hands)**.

TT: Look, it’s not like we’ve done anything awful, just some harmless shi—umm business with a few pranks with the other students—

CD: **(Interrupting him)** Taako, you, you personally, made three separate professors openly weep in their classrooms, with the Artificing Professor reporting two _separate_ occasions. Under the criminal record section of the application, you drew a smiley face. Lup wrote “nothing anyone can prove.” I mean, really, you two. Yes, your academic record is incredibly excellent, both the top of your class at the academy despite being almost entirely self-taught, and yes, your credentials and prowess here as members of the Institute’s research team are exemplary, but your past interpersonal record is, frankly, appalling. Can you really, genuinely tell me that you belong on an expedition that is almost certainly dependent on the sense of comradery amongst the crew members? **(He sighs and folds his hands on top of his desk)** How can I trust you both not to harm the group dynamic by pulling one of your pranks, Lup, or stealing everyone’s shoes, Taako?

LT: **(Leaning forward, an earnest look on her face and ears pricked with attention)** But Captain, that’s the whole _point_ of our proposal. This ship, whatever it looks like, it’s using the Bond Engine that Bluejeans and his team designed, right? Now, I’m not an expert on bond theory, but I do understand “interpersonal interactions” no matter what anyone thinks, and I know that even close friendships will wax and wane over two months when they’re suddenly in close proximity. And yes, we get that the Engine runs on all bonds everywhere, but all this talk of interpersonal compatibility that is all anyone will say about how you’re selecting people tells me that you’re worried, that you need a team that can power the ship on their bonds alone in case some of the theories about Planar Independence are true.

TT: Blah, blah, nerd shit, blah, the point is Lup and I are TWINS!

**(They both grin at CD, who stares blankly back)**

CD: Yes, I am…aware?

TT: We’re twins! Lup and I have never been more than twenty feet apart for longer than nine hours in well over a century! I mean yeah, we squabble and pick fights over nothing on the reg, but like, you’d be getting this built in bond that is way stronger than anything a bunch of dorks who study planar theory are going to be able to build in just a couple of months. **(LT looks mildly insulted, likely since she recently began studying the effects of channeling the Elemental Planes on Evocation spellwork, TT ignores her)** Think of us as your backup generator, Cap’n!  
LT: Yeah! I’d challenge you to find any bond between two people that’s stronger than ours. Sir. We have the background, the arcana skills, AND the know-how that you’re looking for, plus we come with the world’s best add on perk!

TT: This is a BOGO offer, Captain Davenport, so who cares what the Board thinks. Fact is, you need us for this, and you’re probably already aware of that, based on the fact that you invited us to interview, even after they stuck their noses into your decision. **(Both of the twins cross their legs in near unison, leaning back in their chairs and looking satisfied in a manner that seems rehearsed.)**

CD: **(Chuckling softly)** I am well aware that you are attempting to get a visceral reaction out of me, a desire to, I believe the phrasing is “stick it to the man”?

LT: **(Grinning hugely)** Yep, absolutely, that is exactly what kids these day say.

TT: **(Trying not to laugh)** Very ahhh hip, Captain.

CD: Okay, you two clearly cannot be trusted not to trick me into looking like an old-timer **(he laughs, the twins not even looking remotely chagrined)**. The point is, while I am the leader of this expedition and the broader exploration project, the Board remains a highly active contributor in the decision making process for who will be joining me. You will not trap me into statements against the one or two members who have expressed…hesitancy over your names being added to the applicant pool. Now, you have given some excellent reasons against their reluctance, and I am inclined to give you both full consideration for this alone, and on the record state that it’s out of no sense of retribution against certain individuals “sticking their noses in,” Taako **(he winks)**. So, now I would like to ask you the same questions that I have asked all of our interviewees thus far.

TT: Wait, what? Do you honestly have _any_ other people pounding on your door desperate to join this little club of yours who are nearly as awesome as the two of us?

LT: Not to mention, willing to risk the super, actually likely consequences? Hard for me to imagine that many folks around here all that familiar with the whole life and death, confronting your own mortality thing.

CD: You’d be surprised. Many of the researchers around here would give quite a bit to make the next great discovery, even if that doesn’t quite entail their lives. So that raises the question, why are you two willing to risk so much of your time left? I’m more than halfway through my life, as is our medic, and Dr. Bluejeans will be hitting that mile marker in a decade or so I believe. I know elf ages are…tricky, but you two are far from the end of that line.

LT: Bluejeans is how old? Wow **(she leans unconsciously towards TT** ), I always forget how quickly humans fly through their lives.

TT: No need to get weepy, Lulu, it’s not like they mind how short the amount of time they get is **(he elbows her gently)**. But yeah, Cap, we’re not exactly kiddos, we know better than most elves how little our longevity is guaranteed.

LT: **(muttering)** That’s an understatement. **(At a normal volume)** We’re pretty used to danger, Captain Davenport, and we definitely don’t mind a little risk when we have the chance to do something so profoundly _amazing_. This is our chance to do something completely and utterly unforgettable, to find out just what is out there and get to understand and experience it for ourselves. I mean, we’re going to have the chance to understand the nature of our entire _universe_. **(She chuckles quietly)** We can’t turn away from that kind of chance to learn so much.

CD: **(Regarding her carefully in an assessing manner before letting his eyes slide to TT)** And you, Taako?

TT: **(Leaning forward with a sharp grin splitting across his face)** Oh, she said it better than I ever could **(LT continues looking forward passively, but TT yelps and jumps as if she’d kicked him)** Alright, yeesh.

**(He stares at his folded hands for a moment, gathering his thoughts)**

TT: You’ve read our applications for the academy, Captain, and you’re plenty smart enough to realize that they are a very watered down description of what our lives were like before we came here. We’ve never really fit in anywhere, felt like any place was really home, ya know? The IPRE is the closest we’ve gotten, but Lup and I have always been travelers, living our days moving on, already looking for our next chance to see what else is out there. We came here to study what made the world we’ve already seen so much of like work and run and just _exist_. The way I see it, this is our next great ahhh opportunity to see and try to understand something completely new, and that’s just the thing that my sister and I want here, Captain Davenport. No risk, no reward, my dude.

CD: So the possibility of an extremely painful death and your loved ones never knowing what happened, that doesn’t make either of you even the slightest bit hesitant?

LT: Well for one thing, the only loved ones that Taako and I would be worried about are each other, and we’d be right there beside one another, so that doesn’t exactly matter **(she laughs brightly)**.

TT: As for the whole “dying horribly” thing, it’s not like Lup and I are strangers to risking our lives. We’ve pulled stunts with much lower payoff and worse odds on many an occasion **(they both laugh together)** , usually just for shits and giggles.

LT: Like the time we used Evocation magic to blast a hole in a mountain to make a bigger pass for the wagons and almost caused a landslide?

TT: Or the time you convinced me to transmute some extra bits of rope into black licorice and we are so much that we made ourselves sick for days afterwards?

LT: **(she snorts with laughter)** The smell of anise still makes me feel nauseous. Do you remember when we tried to cast Levitate on Aunty’s old goat to see if we could get her over the house, and she kicked you in the head?

TT: Gods, no, I was donezo, totally out cold. Do you remember when we accidentally blew up that— **(LT speaks loudly over him)**

LT: If it’s the time I think you’re referring to, nope definitely not. **(She looks meaningfully over at CD, who is laughing quietly at their excited antics)**

TT: Right, sorry uhh my b, Captain. The point we were trying to make here is, we wanna do this, and we’re not super worried about a pretty low risk of getting vaporized or whatever.

CD: The odds of total atomic collapse due to overexposure to plasmoid energies are low, I grant you. And I will forget the confession of severe damage to public lands **(LT looks mildly embarrassed, while TT shoots her a dirty look)** , not that it sounds like there was any malicious intent, which I understand is quite unusual for the two of you **(TT preens at this, obviously taking it as a compliment)**. Look, I’m not going to make both of you pinky promise to get along with the other crew members if chosen, you’re adults and I would like to think you are willing to act professionally on such a critical mission. And other than the potential interpersonal issues, I have no qualms about your participation in this expedition. So I guess I only have one more question for you two **(both twins look at him expectantly)**. How in the name of Fantasy Julie Andrews have you never been separated for more than eight hours?

TT: Oh, that’s easy. Force of habit! **(both TT and LT laugh easily at this joke, with CD letting out a surprised bark of laughter)**

LT: **(Calming, but still beaming her sunshine smile)** More like nobody’s been able to separate the two of us for any longer than that. I’d like to meet whoever could.

CD: I’m sure they would be quite the force to be reckoned with indeed. **(He waves his right hand dismissively)** And I am certainly not going to try for such a distinction. You can both rest assured, if chosen for this mission, I would have no intention of breaking up this package deal you’re putting forward. **(He smiles at them both)** Now unless either of you have any questions for me, I think I have more than enough here to convince the Board to reconsider their position on your acceptability as applicants.

TT: I have a question. **(They both look at him, LT with a surprised look on her face)** How much are we being paid for this little shindig?

LT: Oh my GOD, Taako.

CD: **(Coughs delicately)** Base pay plus hazard of course, and I’m sure there could be other available financial incentives.

TT: **(nodding sagely)** I can’t do math, but that sounds acceptable.

LT: Well thank goodness for that **(she shoots her brother a look)** , and thank you sir for humoring him. One last question, if you have the time, what would the long-term plan for this type of expedition look like?

CD: **(His entire face lights up, obviously thrilled to be talking about this)** Oh goodness, what a good question, Lup! The short answer is, things will be highly dependent on what we discover and learn on this first mission. If it turns out that it’s just aimless emptiness, we probably will only have one or two future attempts to make sure we aren’t missing anything. And if we do find the kind of answers to some of the big-picture questions of the very nature of the universe that Dr. Bluejeans and the rest of our Extra-Planar Research Team think we will, I imagine there will be quite a few more expeditions over the coming decades. Are you interested in potential permanence on the exploration team?

TT: Well everyone’s gotta eat, no matter how many advancements these guys manage to discover!

CD: **(Looking confused)** Taako, we are far more interested in your arcane abilities, particularly your advanced capability to understand and perform complex transmutation magic. Did you think we were only considering you as a chef and Lup as a spellcaster?

TT: Uh, yeah? I’m not studying anything related to extraplanar physics or meta-arcane connectivity at the moment, and cha boy’s culinary talents are legendary, so…

LT: Taako, what the _fuck_? Excuse my language, Captain Davenport, but apparently my brother is a moron who listens to his dumb Imposter Syndrome intrusive thoughts.

TT: **(rolling his eyes)** I’m not thinking I’m a dumb-dumb, Lulu, I know I’m a dope wizard. Just figured they only want the “most qualified applicants” who are all big Bond Theory nerds like you. Figured I was being considered just because I check two boxes, save ‘em an extra bunk. Trust me, Cap’n Davenport, my cooking is worth keeping the full package, and it’ll go a long way to your interpersonal relations. **(He winks)** Nobody goes to bed angry after one of _my_ dinners.

CD: Taako, while I am certain that is true, I am much more interested in your magical and intellectual prowess. You are every bit as fit to be on this mission as your sister, or any of the other spellcasters we have interviewed for this mission, and that assessment certainly does not include your culinary abilities, great as they no doubt are.

TT: Alright yeesh, Captain, no need to get sentimental on me **(his smile is more soft than before, and he glances down at his hands in his lap)**. Point is, I think I speak for both of us when I say we’d both be interested in more of that sweet hazard pay.

LT: As annoyed as I am with my brother, he is absolutely right that we would be interested in more than one mission, despite his appallingly unprofessional phrasing. Another perk of elves, spending a few years on expeditions like this are a drop in the bucket **(she stretches her back, spine quietly popping)**. Well, I’m not sure I have any more questions that can’t be answered further down the line if we continue to be considered for this mission. How ‘bout you, ‘Ko?

TT: Nah, I’m all good. You got everything you want, Captain?

CD: At this stage, I believe I have plenty and will allow you both to go back to work (TT: Ugh). If either of you have any more questions, you have my Farspeech frequency, correct?

LT: Yes, thank you.

**(Both twins stand fluidly, shaking his hand once again)**

LT: We really do appreciate your open mindedness about considering us for your crew, Captain. Not everyone would be willing to overlook the Board’s interference, so thank you **(she elbows TT)**.

TT: Owww, yes _okay_ , Lup. It was very uhh cool of you, Captain, so thanks, I guess.

LT: **(muttering)** That was painful. **(In her more normal tone)** Thank you, Captain Davenport, we’ll look forward to hearing from you.

**(LT and TT leave quickly, bickering softly in low voices, TT’s laugh echoing back into the room as the door closes. CD, having stood as they left, resumes his seat and begins taking notes, quietly chuckling to himself)**

_This concludes Transcripts 023 (and 024): Lup Taaco and Taako Taaco, Resident Chefs and Arcanists_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all knew I couldn't post cha' boy without getting that good sweet sibling interaction from his better half in there, right? 
> 
> We're getting so close to the end now, I am wicked excited :)


	4. Applicant 037—Magnus Burnsides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS for Episode 60 and beyond!  
> I love the Adventure Zone more than pretty much any other piece of media I have EVER consumed, and it's such a joy to play in the McElroy's sandbox. All of the characters, places, and references contained here belong to the McElroy Brothers and their father Clint, and are a true joy in my life.
> 
> So sorry for the delay on posting, I moved on Thursday and getting the wifi connected in my new apartment has been a major pain :)

_All Editor’s Notes shall be signified by the use of Bolding, and will describe relevant in-room conditions. Captain Davenport’s comments are marked by a “CD,” Applicant Magnus Burnsides marked by a “MB.” All materials contained herein are protected and classified as Confidential under the official Planar Research Secrecy Act [HR 177-19B]. Unlawful distribution of these contents will result in prosecution._

**(CD stands by the large picture window in his office that looks out over the courtyard below, watching the major storm drenching the darting researchers and visitors who are rushing to avoid being soaked through by the driving rain)**

CD: Well, there goes my plans to take the biplane out this afternoon. **(His tail droops towards the floor and his tone becomes a grouchy mutter)** And today was already going to be a long one **(he sighs heavily and crosses to his desk, taking a seat and pulling out several files, his voice lifting to sound louder and more bright)**. Alright, day three of interviews for Head of Security for the mission, our final position in need of filling for this first expedition. **(Again in a low and annoyed voice)** I swear, if I have to listen to one more bloodthirsty rant about missing the glory days when conquering in the name of the state was sanctioned and how they’d be sooo happy to get their hands dirty for the IPRE, I’m challenging them to a bedamned duel. **(He sighs again, unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeves twice. He continues at his normal volume)** I suppose that it’s to be expected that this round of applicants is taking longer, since this is the only out-of-house position. Hopefully there will be a decent option today, this is the last batch of interviewees who made it this far in the process. **(He flips open the top file, and blinks three times in quick succession, looking shocked)** Well that can’t be right, this one is literally a child? Am I reading this properly? **(He starts shuffling through the various pages, his eyebrows raising higher and higher)** I remember this candidate, but not how young he is…this is a lot of qualifications for his age, maybe he misunderstood the forms? **(He leans back in his chair, looking pensive)** Twenty is young by human standards, let alone those of other races **(he glances up at the clock on the wall, unfolding and rebuttoning his sleeves neatly)**. Guess we’ll find out in a moment then.

**(He makes a few notations in the file in front of him, moments later a knock rings out, a classic shave and a haircut)**

CD: Please, come in!

**(He rises to shake the hand of the young, muscular man wearing a colorful flannel shirt and sturdy workpants, who marches confidently in to shake CD’s hand with a bright smile on his face)**

MB: Hail and well met, Captain Davenport! I’m Magnus Burnsides, thank you so much for having me here.

CD: A pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Burnsides, thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Please, have a seat.

**(He gestures to the chair across his desk, and CD moves to sit down, but MB crosses the room in long strides to the wall across from the large window, smiling and extending his hand once again.)**

MB: Hello, I’m Magnus Burnsides, it’s a pleasure to meet you!

The young transcriber glances up with a start from the journal she was quickly recording their conversation in, suddenly noticing that the burly man in front of her was trying to get her attention. She quickly looked to Captain Davenport, subconsciously moving to tuck a braid that had escaped from the neat bun at the nape of her neck back behind her ear.

Davenport stared back in apparent surprise, not offering her any obvious guidance.

Magnus’ smile started to drop, and he began to slowly lower his hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you—”

She cut him off quickly, reaching for his hand before it fell completely, offering up a tight, professional clasp and smile.

“Umm, hello, it’s uhh nice to meet you as well,” her voice rose as she reached the end of her sentence, and she grimaced at the slight crack at the final syllable.

He smiled brightly back at her, an expression that somewhat bizarrely made her think of an excited puppy wagging its tail in delight.

“I take it you’re here to take notes so the Captain doesn’t have to during our interview? Are you another of the researchers here at the Institute?”

“Ahhh…” She glanced to Captain Davenport for assistance, at a loss for words to how she was expected to proceed.

Sensing her uncertainty, Captain Davenport cleared his throat loudly, drawing both of their attention politely.

“Mr. Burnsides, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to Ms. Lucretia, our resident Chronicler for the upcoming expedition.”

“Sorry, Chronicler?” he replied, looking between the two for clarification.

Davenport nodded to Lucretia to explain, and she hesitantly answered, “I’m a biographer by trade, and I was hired by the Institute for Planar Research about three months ago to record the preparations for and the events of the first extraplanar expedition. Obviously it’s an event of significant historical and cultural importance, so the Captain and the Board wanted to ensure a member of the crew was qualified to tell the story.”

Magnus’s eyebrows had risen in surprise at this response, and he eagerly questioned, “Wait, so you’re going to be a part of the mission? That’s so cool! So can you tell me about—”

Davenport cuts him off gently, getting his attention with a firm voice. “Perhaps we could discuss Lucretia’s role in the upcoming expedition later? We have a few questions to get through for the Board, and I want to make sure we don’t keep you any longer than we scheduled this morning, apparently this storm will be even worse as the day goes on.”

Magnus looked a little chagrinned, rubbing the back of his neck with a soft laugh, “Sorry, of course. Lovely to meet you, Ms. Lucretia.” He returned to the center of Davenport’s office, lowering himself into one of the chairs opposite the desk with a pop of his knees.

Captain Davenport regarded him thoughtfully for a moment, seemingly turning something over in his mind before smiling at him.

“Thank you, Mr. Burnsides, I appreciate it. Ms. Lucretia, if you could continue from where we left off, please.”

MB: Please, feel free to call me Magnus, I’m not anywhere near old enough to be a Mister anything **(he chuckles easily at his own joke)**.

CD: **(Sitting back in his chair)** You are on the younger side, I assumed based on your fairly extensive list of qualifications and past experience that perhaps you had misunderstood the application forms? But that obviously does not appear to be the case.

MB: Umm, yeah, I just turned twenty a couple weeks ago. My credentials are legitimate though, please feel free to check my references, I swear I did all of those jobs! I started working in the protection and securities industry when I was sixteen. **(He glances down at his hands that are folded neatly in his lap)** My family needed the income, and I’ve always been handy in a fight, so I started signing up to walk alongside wagon trains to repel bandits, accompany folks on dangerous trips, guard valuables, that kinda work. I bounced around quite a bit until I was eighteen, started to specialize in transportation security. **(He smiles somewhat subconsciously, a light blush high on his cheeks)** Lotta people appreciate being able to keep their costs low, and I’ve got vehicle proficiency and am a Fighter class, so they hire me as both a wheelman and security detail.

CD: You’ve managed to work two positions at once? How does that save money exactly?

MB: Well you know, one man, two jobs!

CD: **(Blinking a few times rapidly)** Are you implying that you serve in two positions, but are only paid for one?

MB: **(He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. While it’s a little too small for his large frame, it appears to be more related to his discomfort with this line of questioning)** I mean, if we get attacked by looters or something, everyone immediately pretty much becomes security at that point? Even if they aren’t moving to specifically defend the items or people that we’ve been hired to protect, they still fight back of course. So I’m usually only ever officially hired to be a wagon driver, even if they tell me to bring my battleax “just in case” we run into trouble.

CD: And have you? Run into something before?

MB: Oh yeah, loads of times. **(He grimaces as he processes the wording of this automatic response)** That is to say, I’ve been in more than a few combat situations. **(He reaches up with his hand to rub at the scar over his right eye absentmindedly)** I got into scraps a lot as a kid, going after bullies. My best friend growing up had a real jerk for an older brother, he and his friends used to beat him up a lot when I wasn’t around to protect him. That’s how I got my first job actually, one of those friends’ mom figured out who was giving her kid so many bloody noses and black eyes. She gave him the how-to, and offered me a job as a bouncer at her pub, tossing out the drunks if they tried getting handsy with the barmaids.

CD: I take it you’re pretty useful in a brawl then?

MB: I mean, I’ve always been pretty good with my hands, but I definitely prefer my ax and shield for real combat. My fists are fine when I’m fighting for other people who need someone to step in and help them, but I’m proficient in pretty much any kind of melee weapon. I know I’m young, sir, but I have my fair share of fights under my belt.

CD: **(Regarding him thoughtfully)** Do you have any multiclassing skills, or are you strictly on the Fighter path?

MB: **(He stiffens in his chair, and his expression shifts from his excited openness to a closed-off neutral coolness)** No, I’ve always been a Fighter. I have a knack for understanding tactics and strategy, and have spent the past decade learning how to handle myself in battle.

CD: Please, don’t misunderstand me, I meant no judgement or insult. In fact, we would prefer someone with a purely martial background, our crew is entirely made up of casters and we desperately need some balance.

MB: Oh, okay! **(He smiles broadly, back to his previous friendly demeanor)** That makes a lot of sense, no offense to your crew, but there is a pretty big difference between conceptual know-how and practical firsthand. Anyone on your mission been in a fight before, aside from you, Cap?

CD: **(Chuckling easily)** I see you’ve done some background research on the job.

MB: **(He smiles back)** Hey, I might not be the kinda guy who studies the science of Planar Physics or whatever in my free time, but I’m pretty great at history, especially when it comes to military history since I’ve been working towards specializing as a Battle Master **(he grins happily, looking slightly bashful but proud of himself)**.

CD: That’s quite impressive, it sounds as if you have some excellent goals you’re working towards. And to answer your question, our medic has some military experience like myself, and I believe our two arcanists have been in a handful of fights. **(He smiles wryly)** Likely more of a few of which they were the instigators of.

MB: **(He laughs easily, a full body sound)** Well I’m happy to hear that not everyone is quite the greenleaf. And I’m sorry for how I reacted a moment ago, I’m pretty used to people…undervaluing my abilities since I’m not a magic user. **(He grimaces lightly, and scrubs a hand over the heavy sideburns on the left side of his face)** Folks tend to underpay the melee guys in my line of work, treat us like cannon fodder. Magic is incredibly cool and all, but give me an ax or sword over a finite number of spell slows any day **(he shrugs carefully)**. I’ve worked alongside casters plenty of times, but the last time I worked as transportation security alongside a wagon train, we got ambushed by looters as we were driving through a plateau canyon. **(MB sighs heavily and CD looks sympathetic, guessing at what comes next)** Classic fish in a barrel scenario, I advised the lead driver to go around, but he was adamant that we needed to press on, get to this oasis as quickly as possible. They chased us through for about twenty-eight hours, we lost a lot of good people that day as they’d ride up and blitz us before racing off. **(He looks deeply sad, a pain that looks too old for his young features)** They spent half their protection budget on a battlemage, and she did her best, but she ran out of slots trying to fend them off pretty early in the afternoon. Turned into quite the bloodbath by the time they figured out we weren’t worth all the losses they were taking. **(He takes a moment to compose himself, CD subtly pulling out his handkerchief in case he needs it)** Anyways, my point is, you don’t have to worry about me being some punk kid. I’m young, sure, but I’ve lost some good people, and I’ve killed more than my fair share **(he chuckles, somewhat bitterly)**.

CD: Not to put too fine a point on it, but to clarify, you do have experience with that type of…terminal action? I hate to ask such a personal thing, but in the spirit of full clarity, we really can’t predict what we might encounter while we’re out there. As Security Officer, assessing risks and predicting how to handle danger scenarios would be an essential aspect of your duties.

MB: **(He giggles slightly at this phrasing before quickly adopting a more serious expression)** No, I understand completely. This wouldn’t be my first time dealing with the potential unknown, I know that you guys need someone capable of those…well to put it bluntly, someone who’s pretty good at killing. **(He grimaces and lets out a careful, slow breath)** A lot of folks gave me the advice to be careful, not to talk myself out of a job, but I’m going to be honest with you, Captain. I don’t relish taking lives, sir. I can and have, and I certainly will if its either them or me and my crew, but there’s no glory in it, at least to my mind. **(He meets CD’s eyes determinedly, looking like he is bracing himself for his rejection and dismissal)**

CD: **(He regards MB thoughtfully, looking impressed with both his statement and his resolve to say it despite the potential consequences)** I think that’s a very healthy mindset to have for someone in your line of work. **(He absentmindedly drums his fingers on the stack of applicant files in front of him)** And I really do appreciate your willingness to be honest rather than try to pretend to be the type of person you think we’re looking for. To be entirely honest, I didn’t think we’d have a single applicant who wasn’t interested in the position purely for the sake of having an excuse to act without any care for the lives of others. **(He looks sad, a crease between his brows as he considers the pages in front of him)** All they want is a license to kill, honestly. **(He seems to catch himself and clears his throat, flashing a quick smile to apologize and cover the momentary slip)** Anyway, my point is, it’s refreshing to have someone who isn’t interested in the position purely for the chance to wreck violence on whatever new lands we discover. So, I suppose that leads to the question, why _are_ you interested?

MB: **(He laughs lightly)** Oh gosh, that is a hard one! I mean, my job, it’s to protect, you know? Whether it’s someone who needs a bodyguard or some ridiculously valuable jewelry that the owner is scared is gunna get stolen in transport, my first instinct is always to put myself in between the bad guy and their target. And the way I see it, the folks who are going to be on this expedition are some of the most important people in the world, and making sure they’re safe to do the type of work that is gunna make life so much _better_ for so many people would be a tremendous honor. **(He shrugs sheepishly)** Getting to contribute to this kind of mission, even if it’s just being the guy who swings an ax at any enemies that get close enough to be a problem, that’s not the kind of thing a nobody from the smallest town on the continent could ever even dream of. **(He clears his throat and glances at CD)** I’ve read that article that was published about you when you first joined the IPRE, and I have the feeling you know what it’s like to sign up for something dangerous just for the chance to see the world and what else is out there.

CD: **(Looking taken aback)** Goodness, I had no idea that thing was still floating around. **(Thoughtfully)** You aren’t wrong though, I know that impulse better than most of the folks around here. But still, there’s a pretty big difference between signing your name to be a walk-along with a wagon train and hurtling out into the unknown with a handful of veritable strangers.

MB: **(He laughs hard at this, easing into a broad grin as he finally manages to get the words out)** Not for me there wasn’t! My odds of surviving my first real protection job weren’t a bit better than living through this kind of crazy interplanar travel. Kid like me with no formal training expect what he picked up on from a few tattered old books and sparring with his friends and his old man, they had a betting pool on how long I had before something got me. **(He stretches his arms back behind his head)** And anyway, by the time you’re blasting off or whatever, it’s not like you’ll be strangers, right? I mean the estimated departure date isn’t for almost two months, so it’s not like your crew will be meeting right as they’re about to board. I’ve done walk-ons like that before, where the whole protection detail met right before starting the job, and even then you come to be a team pretty quickly. It’s hard not to rely on each other when you’re repelling bandits, killing looting gerblins, trying to make too few rations stretch between too many grown men and women. I’ve always been pretty quick to make friends, but even quiet, shy kinds of folks get drawn in when there’s nothing but empty loneliness for miles around and days or weeks on end of just nothing at all.

CD: **(Smiling easily)** Don’t I know it. When I first started out in the Pilot Corps, they used to drop new flight crews in the middle of the woods with hardly the clothes on our backs, make us have to work together as a team to figure out how to find our way back to the airfield. That’s certainly one way to get a bunch of gung-ho kids who all wanted to be the next legendary hero to remember how to compromise and work together. **(He glances at MB in an assessing manner)** I’m not going to insult your dedication by questioning your decisiveness about risking your life by volunteering for this job, but are you totally unfazed by the very real risk of no one knowing what happened to you?

MB: **(He stares down at his hands, which have been quietly fiddling with a small wooden carving, a fidget puzzle that he had subconsciously been playing with for the past few minutes)** Most folks like me, we treat running into someone from our line of work as if it’s…I dunno, like a great surprise, you know? We can’t act like it’s a certainty that we’ll actually see each other again when we part ways at the end of a protection job, odds are one or both of us will be dead by the time we’d next run into each other. I’ve got friends, old allies and party members all over, and I doubt even one of them would be surprised to hear that I was missing, presumed dead while working such a big security job. They’d be a lot more shocked to hear that I’d managed to get the spot in the first place **(he chuckles)**.

CD: And your family? You mentioned how much they rely on you earlier, would you really be able to risk them losing you?

MB: **(He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, looking a little guilty)** Well I’m an only child, so my family has always been just my folks. My dad, he took a bad kick to the head when I was fourteen. Doc said it’d have killed him if he didn’t have the thick Burnsides skull **(he raps on the side of his head with his knuckles)**. It’s pretty hard for him to move around now, so they had to sell off most of the farm, and I started working to make their early retirement a little bit smoother. My ma jokes that they’d hardly know I was still alive if it weren’t for the occasional money I send when I’ve saved enough, I’ve never been good at remembering to write, and they’re still pretty analog that far from the cities. **(He sighs and rubs his hands together slowly)** As much as it would pain them to hear something happened to me, they’d be alright in the end. Doubt it would even be that much of a shock.

CD: And no serious relationships? Girlfriend, boyfriend?

MB: **(Turning steadily redder as he replies)** Ohh umm no, not—not really? I haven’t really **(he coughs)** I haven’t ever met someone that umm I was…interested in like that.

CD: **(He laughs and raises his hands in a placating gesture)** Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to place you on the spot. The IPRE is a small community, so we all know everyone’s business, but I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t have someone waiting on you. Just in case, you understand.

MB: No, I get it. I really do want this chance, Captain Davenport, and I promise you I don’t have a single reason to be hesitant about accepting if you actually do end up offering me a spot on your crew.

CD: Well that is certainly good to hear! I believe we have gone through all of the questions that we needed to cover, do you have any questions for me?

MB: Oh, only about a million and five! **(He completely lights up, like he’d been trying to rein himself in before and was now free)** Who is going to be on your crew? Can I meet them? How did you select them? Are they already starting to train for the mission? What does training entail? I wouldn’t have to like, learn science if I get the job, right? What does your ship look like? Can I drive it? I have vehicle proficiency, will that be enough for me to know how to drive it? Lucretia! Lucretia, have you gotten to drive it yet?

CD: Whoa, whoa! **(He laughs happily at MB’s enthusiasm)** We’ll take those one at a time, if that’s okay with you **(he smiles)**. Lucretia has not gotten to “drive” the ship yet, nor have I or anyone else for that matter, since it’s still undergoing stress testing, making sure it won’t burn up on atmosphere reentry, won’t brittlize and shatter in the vacuum of space if the Bond Engine fails, that type of thing. And yes, hopefully all of the crew members will be able to fly her in the event of an emergency or when I’m resting. I designed the basic steering mechanisms to be fairly “idiot proof” so to speak, especially during standard cruising flight, that way it’ll reduce the likelihood of accidents due to panic or thoughtlessness. She’s quite beautiful if I do say so myself, we’re all incredibly excited for the official unveiling.

MB: Does she have a name yet?

CD: Oh, well it’s still technically in development, R&D had a few ideas—

MB: If you’re looking for ideas, I’ve got a bunch written down, you’re more than welcome to use them. **(While he is saying this, he rises to a half crouch, smacking his back pockets and rummaging in the various Velcro-closed compartments of his work pants)** Alright, let’s see, forty-five silver pieces, pocket lint, my Grandfather’s knife, compass, wood shavings no idea why those are in there, ahh matches, safety whistle… **(he frowns and drops back into his seat, looking stumped)** I could have sworn I brought the list with me. **(He suddenly lights up, and reaches into the small breast pocket of his bright flannel shirt, pulling out a small, crumpled looking scrap of napkin with a large coffee ring on the back)** Oh there you are! Man, I never keep things there, no wonder…Well anyways, here you go, Captain, all yours!

CD: **(Taking the list from his carefully)** You certainly have a lot of ideas here, are any a particular favorite? **(He skims the names quickly and laughs)** There is no way the Board will approve ‘Boaty McBoatface,’ I’m afraid.

MB: (Looking unbothered by the rejection) Eh, figured that one was a bit of a reach. I’m a big fan of ‘Stardancer,’ that one was a favorite, and I liked ‘Lightbringer’ since it’s kinda a pun because of the Light of Creation, right?

CD: Oh, I like that one, that’s more in the ballpark of what we were hoping for. I’ll definitely pass this on to our Development Team, I was hoping they could draw up some options for the crew to vote on as a teambuilding exercise **(he tucks the page into the leather-bound day planner on his desk)**. Anyway, would you please repeat your other questions? I’m sorry, I tend to get completely fixated on my ship when people bring her up and have been known to forget everything else we’re discussing. You were curious about what training would entail, correct?

MB: Oh yeah, I wanted to make sure I won’t need to learn like physics or other sciency stuff. **(He laughs and rubs the back of his neck)** Not my best subject in school, I’m afraid.

CD: **(Chuckling as well)** Nor mine, I assure you. No, we’ll have plenty of experts on the research team, don’t worry. As I’m sure you’ve heard, our official launch date will be the first anniversary of the falling of the Light of Creation, which gives us just over a month to finish prepping the ship and crew. They’re all in “boot-camp” at the moment, learning everything they’ll need for the mission, preparing for the physical stresses of the expedition, and getting used to the people they’ll be in such proximity to for the next two months. **(He smiles wryly)** That last one seems to be the biggest obstacle at the moment, we have a number of…personalities on the team.

MB: Now that sounds familiar! I’d love to hear more about them, what they’re like and what they’ll be doing, and how you selected everyone. Will I get to meet them as part of the application process?

CD: **(He looks surprised, and seems to realize something)** I’m sorry, Magnus, I just realized that you are still technically an applicant. I have been enjoying our conversation so much that I momentarily forgot you weren’t already a member of our crew. **(He looks at him for a moment with an assessing look before nodding his head firmly)** Let’s change that, shall we?

MB: **(He looks completely floored, glancing between CD and Lucretia with a look of growing excitement)** Are you—I mean, really? Does this mean…?

Lucretia: Welcome to our crew, Magnus Burnsides.

**(MB bounds of his seat with a whoop of joy, completely lifting CD up into a sudden hug before setting him down to shake his hand, brushing at the tears of joy free-flowing down his face with the back of his left hand. He moves to pump Lucretia’s hand up and down as well, beaming in delight and wonder at the two)**

CD: **(Smiling at MB with a look of pure joy)** Congratulations, Magnus. I assume by your response that you accept?

**(Too overwhelmed to speak, MB nods enthusiastically instead, pulling a handkerchief from the pocket the napkin had been in to swipe at his eyes)**

CD: **(Laughing happily)** Well, that’s good to hear! Lucretia, would you mind writing a note for our other applicants to notify them that the position has been filled?

**(He passes over some tape to stick it to his office door, as well as a bit of stationary with his monogram and the IPRE’s logo in the corner. While this is being accomplished, MB manages to get control of himself and tucks away his handkerchief)**

CD: Alright, let’s go get the paperwork signed so we can get started right away. **(The two begin to walk towards the door)** I’m excited for you to meet the rest of the crew, they’re going to be so delighted to begin in earnest at last.

**(CD holds the door open for MB while he helpfully pins the note to his door for Lucretia. They begin to walk down the corridor, leaving the office door open behind them.)**

CD: **(His voice echoing back)** I can’t wait to finally get started!

_This concludes Transcript 037: Magnus Burnsides, Head of Security._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnnnd that's all folks!! I didn't want to spoil the Lucretia surprise ahead of time, I really hope people enjoyed the mini reveal that she was our transcriber all along :) 
> 
> I am planning/working on a short "prelude" companion piece for her interview for the program, and will hopefully be able to share in the coming weeks!

**Author's Note:**

> Come follow me on Tumblr at moonsgreatestboydetective.tumblr.com if you want to yell about the Adventure Zone or any one of my other million favorite shows :)
> 
> Please feel free to comment / leave kudos if you enjoyed or have something to share!


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